Conflict and resignation

May 18, 2011 § 3 Comments

Since this awful row I have been in limbo. I am so angry at myself, I feel like the ungrateful child, I have hidden my face from God in shame. How can I have let this distract me from my ultimate joy, that I am to be healed in my legs? How can I have let this row steer me from my gratitude? I am so happy for myself, perhaps after all this time I almost cannot believe it, my good fortune, and seek to distract myself in case it is taken away from me again. I do not know. I only know that this has knocked me a little from my course, and I have spent an hour in church this morning trying to put it right.

Oh, but how I wish I could be simply happy! I am radiant with love for God for putting my legs right, and torn by love of a woman. How silly of me to let this conflict get to me so, I should be only thankful and rise above the rest. Without the human love, though, do we wither? Sometimes I think that oh! Without the steps of a loved one upon the soil, what a hollowness there is in everything! But I must put this longing from my heart and only look at the beautiful flowers of the emerging Summer, and let my heart fill with joy again at the happier twists and turns of my life.

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